A Little Bit Of Faith

Let go

I am now officially a Foothill International Student, and things are slowly settling down as I get ready for school which will start on January 7, 2008. 

After paying for my tuition fees today, I headed to the Student Activities Office and signed up for the ice skating trip on the 18th.  I think I deserve to have some fun after months of restlessness.  The lack of privacy I am experiencing at our house is also taking its toll on me.

Maybe that’s why I spend so much time in front of the computer in my uncle’s office.  It’s the only place inside the house you could find solitude.

Uncle Manny has started with his chemotherapy.  It’ll go on until June next year.  Given his circumstance, I am grateful he’s still holding on.  And I am always grateful to all those people who have been supporting and praying for him and my family.

Right now, I am over at Jennifer’s, waiting for her to wake up.  Things have been great with her.  She hasn’t held her breath for almost seven or eight consecutive weeks.  I guess I’m doing a good job with her.

I just finished writing my Christmas cards yesterday but would still want to insert a few letters and maybe pictures with them.  So I guess they’re gonna be late.

And yes, I am still single.  I know a lot of you have been speculating that I already have a boy friend.  I do have a crush and things are a bit too sensitive between us as of the moment.  So I won’t say anything else about this matter for now.  I’m still learning how not to end a potentially good relationship with someone who was raised in a different social and cultural setting.

I still worry about things I shouldn’t worry about every now and then.  The winter weather also gets into my skin, literally!  I still get homesick and sometimes, I reach out for that pill that helps me sleep at night.

But otherwise, things are good here in the US.  And I think I’m ready for the next quarter of my life.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
Uncle Manny

2. What were you doing at 0800?
Checking and answering e-mails.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading Tye’s blog and then experiencing my first earthquake here in California.

4. What happened to you in 2006?
I started thinking about my future.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
What the-? An earthquake!

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Let’s see… Gingertea, water, Airborne, apple juice, grape juice.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Green, white and blue.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
My bus ticket

9. Where were you last night?
Here at home, chatting then watching “Dancing with the Stars”.

10. What color is your front door?
Some type of red.

11. Where do you keep your change?
My pocket, my bag, my wallet. Spread them around to feel rich. HeHe!

12. What’s the weather like today?
Cold. Freakin’ cold, man.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Choco-Mint!!!

14. What excites you?
Life! Simple things. Kids. Doing something new and fun.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
No.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
Just turning 25. Woohoo!!!

17. Do you talk a lot?
Sometimes. But I think I talk to myself more than I talk to other people. Is that weird?

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
No. Too much drama.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Nope. Is this particular name important?

20. Do you make up your own words?
No. The English and Filipino language are so brutally murdered already.

21. Are you a jealous person?
I get jealous, yes. To what extent, I don’t know. I feel though, I’m entitled to get jealous sometimes.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
HaHaHa! Of all the letters!

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Oh my God!!! Of all the letters again!!!

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
Ashley

25. What does the last text message you received say?
Just a reminder from AT&T to reload my grandma’s cellphone.

26. Do you chew on your straw?
No. I don’t even think I did that as a child.

27. Do you have curly hair?
Wavy, baby. Wavy.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
My room.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
I don’t have rude people in my life.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Salmon.

31. Will you get married in the future?
Yes.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
Again… Phantom of the Opera and La Vita E Bella

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
Yes.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
This afternoon.

35. Are you currently depressed?
No, thank goodness!

36. Did you cry today?
No.

37. Why did you answer and post this?
Tye tagged me. I love her too much not to answer this for her.

U.P. made us in such a way that
when the world is sitting, we would be standing;
and when the world is standing, we’ll stand out;
and when the world stands out, we’ll be outstanding;
and when the world tries to be outstanding, we’ll be the standard.

[x] you wear lip gloss
[x] you shop
[x] you wear eyeliner
[x] you buy different colored shirts
[x] you wear halters and tube tops

total: 5

[ ] you don’t like shopping at hot topic
[x] you wear the color pink
[x] you consider cheerleading a sport
[ ] you hate wearing the color black
[x] you love hanging at the mall

total: 3

[x] you like getting manicures and/or pedicures or spas
[x] you wear jewelry
[x] skirts are a part of your wardrobe
[ ] you take a long time doing your hair
[x]shopping is one of your favorite hobbies

total: 4

[ ] you hate the movie “star wars”
[x] you cry during movies
[x] you are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics, or dance
[x] it takes you more than 1/2 hour to get dressed and put on other accesories
[x]you smile a lot more than you should

total: 4

Add them up, multiply them by 5, and
post as “i am __% girlish”
80% Girlish na ako ngayon! Ang pagbabago? I wear eyeliner na! HaHaHa!

God will never let His children suffer.

And He will always remember how you have kneeled, how you have walked those miles just so you could be with Him, how you drop everything for a chance to listen to what He wants to tell you, how you have called His name and asked for His guidance. He will always remember what you have sacrificed, what you gave up and offered to Him, what you promised Him and what you want Him to do with your life, your future, and yes even with the man He would want you to be with.

Know that God has His plans and know that, even if those plans are a mystery, all things are working according to them.

-taken from Safeguard. “God’s Plans”. http://laluminescenza.blogspot.com. 31 March 2007.

My younger brother just boarded the plane back home to the Philippines tonight.

I was supposed to be with him.

But since the immigration is taking their sweet time processing my student visa, I am stuck here unable to start school, unable to settle down, unable to figure out where I am heading.

I had decided to stay in the US, try if I can make it.  I was forewarned that this foreign land could be depressing.

Now that I realized that my younger sibling is faraway from me, I cannot help but feel so lonely.

It would be good if I get to stay here in the US.  As I’ve always told my friends and family, career-wise, I’d probably be better off here.  But if I don’t get my visa, it’s just as well.

I am ready to go home.

I miss my family; my dad, my older brother, my sister-in-law and aunt.  I miss my friends.  I miss my former officemates.  I miss our dogs.

I miss the traffic, the density of population, the crazy transportation, the smell and sounds and sights, the frenzy and the beaches in my country.

I miss Manila!  I miss Quezon City!  I miss Quiapo and St. Jude!

I miss my pink room, my space, my sanctuary.  I miss the hammock in our sideyard and my favorite Lala chocolate.

I miss my home and I miss my younger brother so much!

I don’t like talking about politics.  I hate politics.  But today I will give two sentences that would clearly indicate my stand on Estrada’s reclusion perpetua sentence.

"I’m mighty glad they didn’t hire an assasin to kill Erap or sentence him to death penalty.  Otherwise, my fellow Filipinos would have made him a hero."

It would have been easier if they’ve gone off with his head.  Then I remembered, the head that needs cutting is not the one attached to his neck.  But not figuratively speaking, I don’t think he has a head.

Masarap lang magwala minsan kapag wala kang magawa.

Kaya pala maraming baliw na Kano.  Ganito pala ka-boring dito sa Tate!

PARANG GUSTO KO NA UMUWE!!!

Oi, poh-doink! 

Take note, ha!  May "PARANG" sa una.

Kaya ewan.

Siguro naiinip lang talaga ako kaya ganito.

Hay, buhay!

I felt my feet touching the ground.

I could see my reflection on the marble floor and looked up to see where I was.

The whole church was in hues of brown, almost like a sepia painting.  There were several people lined up near the front.

I saw Annie, her lips straight and her eyes down.

I walked to her.

"What’s happening?"  I asked.  "What’s going on?"

But she didn’t even hear me.  It was like I was a ghost or something.

I saw her mother with her and like Annie, her eyes were on the floor and her lips a straight unmoving line.

I turned and saw that there were more people inside.  But to see who they were seemed an impossible task, given the lack of light inside the Baroque-structured church.  Even the sun outside cannot penetrate through the large almost triangular windows.

Annie walked and held a picture frame.  She placed it on what seemed to be the altar.  There was another frame there.

I tried to make sense of things, tried to understand why everyone was so somber.  Nobody was crying but the whole room gravitated towards depressing thoughts, almost as if they were saying goodbye to someone forever.

I went to see the pictures.

There was a boy in one picture, posing in front of a tree, wearing a white cuffed polo shirt.  One hand rested on his waist and one foot on a stump of wood below him.  He wore a smile, one that exuded pride and wisdom that is not known to other kids of his age.  This was the picture Annie was holding, the one she placed alongside the other photo frame. 

A portrait of a young man was in the other, handsome with piercing eyes.  It seemed he is the boy, all grown up and looking like he was ready for the future.  His eyes bore a gentle but persuasive intensity as they penetrated through the glass that covered the frame.  A smile, barely distinctive when one studied the photograph for the first time, was formed on his lips.  And, like the little boy, it also exuded pride and wisdom beyond his age.

I don’t know who he is.

I looked at Annie who was standing right beside me but wasn’t seeing me at all.  I waved a hand across her face to get her attention, to make her tell me about the photographs.

"What’s happening, Annie?"  I asked again as I remembered her younger brother who passed away last year.  It wasn’t her brother in the picture.  It wasn’t Brody.

She turned away and joined her mother as they walked away from the altar and joined the crowd.

"Who are all these people?"  I asked them.

Nobody seemed to hear me.

I saw Millen walking through the crowd and standing beside Ann.  She had a grim face too.

I scanned the crowds for more familiar faces but they were all blurry.  Almost as if a grayish brown fog came down inside the church to cover their identities.

There was no need for me to know who they were, I felt.  It would only be harder.

Harder for what?

I looked at the pictures again.  The photographs looked old.  As old as the church we were in, and the boy, the young man, if ever they are one and the same, looked like he was born in the early 17th or 18th century.

Blond.

Blue-eyed.

I don’t know who he is.

And why is everyone so sad?

I squinted, willing the church to be brighter, willing the people to be happy.

The scene changed.

But I cannot remember the next dream.